Last weekend I took the unusual step of ordering in dinner rather than making it. I was exhausted and simply not in the mood to fire up the grill, let alone go to the grocery store. I figured, what do most families do when they are tired and don’t feel like cooking? They order in, of course, the way I used to all the time before I had my son John. Pizza, Thai, Chinese, you name it. Living in the city made it very easy to order anything, from anywhere, at anytime.
Ordering in food is something I rarely, if ever do anymore. With four kids, it can get very expensive. But most important, by ordering in, I lose the ability to have a face to face with the manager on site to discuss my son’s allergies with him/her, and to verify ingredients and food handling practices. But on this occasion I figured it would be OK since I was ordering from a restaurant I have eaten often at (Rosebud Italian), and I knew the menu quite well. What’s the big deal about a little plain spaghetti, right?
So I called. And I was so disturbed at how I was treated when I started asking all the normal food questions I usually ask, such as “Does your marinara sauce have cheese in it?”
“Uh, it’s red sauce” answered the guy sarcastically.
“Right”, I said, ” but does it have Parmesan cheese mixed in it for added flavor? Many restaurants do this, or they use butter as a base rather than olive oil. Can you verify with the chef as I have a child with a severe dairy, nut and legume allergy, and need to know before ordering.”
“Well, OK, hold on a sec” he replied.
The guy got back on the phone and said, why yes, the sauce has cheese in it after all.
“OK, well then I would like to order the kids’ plain spaghetti dressed with olive oil only, no butter”. Also, I added “is your bread dairy free?”
“Huh, like the bread on the table?”
“Yes…..”
“Uh, hold on” he said, and proceeded to put me on hold to verify, but actually he never put me on hold and I heard his entire conversation with what sounded like a fellow wait staffer, not the manager, and certainly it wasn’t the chef.
It went something like this:
“Does the bread have milk in it?”
“What dude?”
“The bread, some lady is asking if there is milk in it”.
“I don’t know man, it’s bread. Just tell her no” he replied very impatiently.
I was really offended and upset, that a. he acted so nonchalant without any regard for the seriousness of my question, and b. his blatant dishonesty. Don’t come back to me to tell me something is safe, when you haven’t checked the package or verified ingredients. Are food allergies still so misunderstood that people do stupid things like this with no regard as to how it could put some one’s life at risk?
At this point, I was so ravenous and my kids were excited to order dinner for once, that Iordered my dinner and my husband’s dinner, and a small order of plain spaghetti. I let it go, and called the manager back an hour later and let him know the liability Rosebud faced when dealing with food allergies in such a careless manner. As a loyal customer, I wanted him to understand the seriousness of the situation.
The kicker to all this is that I secretly ended up making my own little pot of plain spaghetti and jarred sauce for John because I felt uneasy about the whole situation. My confidence in the order was shaken, but I still wanted John to feel like he had an “ordered in” dinner too.
I just can’t help but wonder how different our lives would be if we didn’t have to stand guard every time we want to go out, order in, send our kids to school, camp, play dates, parties, etc. I sometimes experience this when my son is at camp and or school, and I just have my two little guys with me. We eat lunch wherever, grab ice cream cones, get treated to a donut at the grocery store, the list goes on.
But John never complains. Never. He is so tolerant and understanding of his body’s limitations it often breaks my heart whenever I have to say no to something. Last week I took him shopping for new school shoes at the mall, and we were both starving and thirsty. So we went to the cafe, and he knew he couldn’t have all the cookies and pastries in there. But he knew he could have apple juice, and was totally fine with it. He’ll never be able to order a sweet treat from any of those places, but it doesn’t seem to ever bother him. I guess he takes comfort in the fact I will bake for him most days out of the week!
I just wanted to say hats off to my fellow food allergy mamas and their awesome kids. It can’t be easy living with that fear from an early age, but our kids do it every day and they do it with such class and understanding. I am so proud to be a food allergy mama…
Arghhh! Kelly, I totally understand how you felt from this situation. Our food allergy kids are amazing -they just seem to roll with it and with such poise. Thanks for sharing this story.
I totally understand where you are coming from. And I still get flack from family members. My in-laws are in town visiting and staying with my brother-in-law. My husband dropped my sons off to visit while we got some housework done. I walked in the front door and saw my son eating something unusual. I asked what it was and was told “It’s only a cracker, don’t worry about it.” by my father-in-law. I asked if they read the ingredients first and again I was told to relax. I immediately ran to the kitchen to check the package as this was a new kind of cracker. Thankfully it was safe, but my father-in-law ripped me up one said and down the other for not stopping to say hello and hug him first before I made the mad dash to the kitchen. It blows my mind how people can be so nonchalant about allergies- ecpecially family members!!
A food allergy mom’s worst nightmare! I also am inhibited about ordering out for this very reason…but your son sounds like a trooper.
Thanks for sharing–it’s important to know that we all go through this. And good job with the follow through. If customers don’t let restaurants know the deal with food allergies, how will they get better at serving us?
This post brought tears to my eyes earlier when I read it. I ache for your son and for you. My son (he’s almost 6) is similar- (he has a peanut allergy) he surprises me with how much he understands. He doesn’t complain (much) about what he cannot have. He amazes me with his attitude. Thank you for posting this. I have to say that I would have done the same thing that you did. It was a good read- fantastic to know I am not alone. You are a wonderful food allergy mama!
Wow. I would have done the same thing and ended up making my own food as well. What a great FA mama you are! My son (3) is allergic to Eggs, Peanuts, & Tree Nuts, and it’s very difficult for us to go out to eat with his allergies. Most restaurant staff don’t understand how big of a deal it is for us to be able to put ourselves out there to actually TRUST them to let us know what’s in their food, and most of them have no idea and aren’t willing to check packaging. It’s like they are inconvenienced by US!
I went through this same thing while we were traveling over July 4th. I was so helpfully told by a chef at a restaurant: “Barbeque is barbeque.” Gee, thanks.
What a pity that a place like Rosebud would act so passive and be so not-informative.
We go through the same thing. The pizza man brings pizza for everyone else and Mama makes makes pizza for the food allergy child. He never complains. Never. But I know it isn’t the same for him and it really isn’t the same for the rest of the family either. We rarely, if ever, go out to eat. It just isn’t worth the hassle. I’m sorry they were so rude to you. It’s sad that restaurants still don’t get it.
See this is why I am afraid to eat out in general. It seems like I can’t be more clear about my son allergies and yet nobody takes it seriously enough. I always talk myself out of going or ordering anything. But my son is only three so it is easy to just make him something quick at home.
BBQ is BBQ…don’t you just love those wisecracking remarks?? So sorry to hear you had the same experience over the holidays..
Thank you so much Jane Anne for your VERY kind words, as well as all the rest of you and your super nice words of wisdom and support. In venting my personal frustration and stories, you guys always step forward with your support and it is so nice to now there are others who go through this too. Thanks to you all!!!
Right on Jenny, and they really do need to get better with service. I think much progress has been made, but clearly not enough.
Wow, Amy, I would have freaked out!! Can you imagine what could have happened?? So sorry to hear about that….
What a great food allergy mama and what a great food allergy kid!
Thanks for sharing your story. It’s hard that we and our kids have to deal with this-but deal with it we do and it makes us and our kids stronger.
Kelly – thanks for sharing I’m so sorry you had such a bad experience – it really is hard to never get that break from the stove for the night! What a trooper John is, it’s only recently that I’ve begun to realize how “easy” a non-allergy child is when I take my youngest (3 years old with NKA) to the grocery store and can just grab him a donut or treat without reading the ingredients or walking down 3 aisles of food first! It does make me feel less alone to know there’s a group of moms out there that understand the crazy ingredient/label reading life, million questions about food preparation and benadryl/epi-pen toting life we live!
This made me get tears in my eyes because I often am amazed at how grown up our food allergic children can be when standing in front of a bakery and they know they can’t have anything. Never has Brooke said, “mom it’s not fair that other kids can go anywhere and just order a cookie.” Instead she would say, “Mom, I know I can’t have things here but maybe they have juice!” They handle it so well and don’t complain. And how irritating that Rosebud treated you that way. I recently had a horrible experience at a local place. The guy WOULD NOT tell me what was in their bread because he said it was giving away their “secret” ingredients. I was IRATE! He acted like I was trying to steal their famous recipe.
We rarely went out to eat, except to one small local restaurant that we had thoroughly checked out, and trusted. One time I stopped in for take-out as a last minute treat for our family. I ordered the same meal I always ordered for my peanut allergic 4 year old, but did not mention his allergies. I regret this day more than any other in my life. My son ended up in anaphylactic shock, rushed to the ER. I could go on and on, but to sum it up the restaurant maintains there was no way possible the food they served us was contaminated. I do not know how it happened, but it did. And my sweet little boy suffered so much. I will never again risk eating out. It is hard for me to even type this, I still feel so much guilt and pain surrounding this event. I just wish all of those who do not take food allergies seriously could see a small child turning blue and struggling to breath, all because of a trace of a peanut.
Wow, thanks so much Teresa for sharing your story. Don’t beat yourself up over this, we’ve all been guilty of sometimes trusting more than we should. I know I have. I can only imagine the terror of that experience for you and your family. That restaurant clearly had cross contamination issues because those types of reactions don’t happen over nothing. Thank you again for your comment.
Great post, Kelly! I’ve been working on a post similar to this, and it has been so difficult. You captured this well.
Thank you.
Kelly, you are an inspiration. Thank you for your blog, and for sharing your recipes, thoughts and experiences with the rest of us. Our sons’ food allergies definitely changed the way we live our lives every single day, so it is very nice to know there are others who understand the ups and downs and like to be positive and proactive about life with allergies. Your baked goods have brought so much joy to our family table.
Jen
Jen, thank you SO MUCH for those very kind words. It truly makes me smile and I am so happy your family enjoys some of my family’s favorite treats. I know how a food allergy diagnosis changes our lives, which is why I think it is so important to still take time and enjoy these special desserts with loved ones. Thank you again such a nice comment!
I had a similar experience with Pizza Hut when they introduced the Pizza Mias. They had a new sauce for them and I was trying to be sure it was not contaminated with tree nuts. We probably have pizza once a week, but they were so impossible about giving us the info. we needed that I never bought pizza from them again, even though I suspect (but still was never able to actually find out) that it probably is not contaminated.
Thanks for sharing your story Mariah. I don’t think it ever gets any easier…it’s always a new ballgame every time we eat out or order in.
Just found your website and blog. I feel like I am reading about my life and my daughter. She is 7 and is allergic to dairy, anaphylatic to peanuts and possibly tree nuts. Thanks for increasing awareness and advocating on behalf of our kids!
I so relate to your blogs. I think food allergic families are under so much chronic stress from living with and dealing with a chronic and serious condition every day, every meal and in every situation.
Take care!
Thanks Julie for your comment! I agree with you, there is a certain amount of stress food allergic families live with every day, some days are better than others. But I am truly hopeful we will find a cure someday…
I totally agree with the tolerance thing. My daughter is 18 months and is allergic to dairy, eggs, and soy. When her older sisters are eating something she can’t have she is usually very content to have something she can have. Sometimes even when I make something that looks and tastes simliar to something she can’t have, she won’t even try it. Go figure!
I know Heather. I can totally relate to that!!
I just found your blog thanks to Family Fun magazine and have already pre-ordered your book! My little guy was diagnosed with milk, egg, peanut and mustard allergy at 10 months of age and, WOW, has our life changed since that day. I worry so much about what the future holds for him. It is encouraging to hear what a good attitude your son seems to have about his food allergies!
I can so relate! People really still do not understand about food allergies! I get the same “huh, duh” attitude when I ask the questions too. I have even had that type of response from management! It is terribly frightening….and now I am having to start dealing with it at preschool. I hope and pray the awareness spreads soon!
I just read about you in Family Fun magazine! Your website is like the answer to my prayers! My son was diagnosed with milk, egg, and peanut allergies after he had a skin reaction to the cake at his first birthday party. I totally relate to everthing that all the parents are saying one here. I can’t wait to try these recipes and buy your book! Thank you for creating the website and writing the book! This will make my life so much easier and my son’s more pleasant!
Thanks so much for writing Angela. I totally agree, more work needs to be done in spreading food allergy awareness. It reallly is the key. I know preschool is always a challenge because of snack time, etc. but over time it will get easier I promise. Stick to your guns with keeping your child’s preschool environment safe…and the school will hopefully abide.
Thanks so much Cyndi!! That is so nice of you to say and I can’t wait to hear how your son enjoy’s the recipes!!
I feel you! My 4 year old son is also very cooperative and understanding and if I tell him he can’t have something he just shrugs it off and doesn’t care too much. But it absolutely breaks me heart like last week at a birthday party the person hosting the party said “Is everyone ready for some cake?” and all the kids were shouting YES and jumping up and down (as was my son). Then he turned to me to ask “Mommy can I have that cake?” and I had to tell him no. I was more upset than him luckily they had some chips he could have. I guess we forget that they don’t know any different and it’s just a way of life for them.
My daughter is allergic to eggs and tree nuts (and also has type I diabetes). Whenever we eat out we normally get pizza and she is sick of it so we tried to go to a Subway for a sandwich. I asked for an ingredient list. The guy behind the counter pointed to a stand and said if there aren’t any there then we are out. I patiently explained that I needed to know which ingredients had eggs or tree nuts and that I would be willing to guess on the carbohydrate count in her sandwich. I asked if he knew which breads had egg in them and he replied “I think they all do”. We left and went to a locally owned sandwich shop where they painstakingly went thru ingredient lists with me (and daughter was very happy with the sandwich). I knew he was lying and I went on the website to discover that none of the breads would have caused a risk to her. I called the Subway to talk to the manager only to find out the guy behind the counter was the interim manager. He totally defended his position to not even bother to try to find out what the ingredients were. I do appreciate he erred on the safe side but a major food chain should be able to deal with food allergic customers. I emailed the corporate office and got no response at all. It was disappointing. I have food allergies of my own and I’ve become accustomed to food service people not “getting it” but we should be able to depend on major food chains to know what is in their food. Other than McDonald’s (not that I’m promoting happy meals) I find that small locally owned food businesses are much more sensitive to the issue of food allergies. I’m sure all Subway’s are different but I’m definitely boycotting them for now.
I can completely relate to your experience. I have a son who is almost two and is anaphylactic to dairy, eggs, and peanuts and moderately allergic
(hives) to wheat, soy, and citrus. I miss eating out. My kids don’t seem to care. But my husband and I do miss the ease of ordering pizza for a party and grabbing anything anywhere. We also would really like to travel as a family more but it’s hard for me to imagine traveling in a foreign country with his food allergies. We traveled internationally quite a bit before we had children.
Thanks Susan for your comment. I really miss casual eating out and ordering in too. And, like you, we’d love to travel internationally and hope to someday. Baby steps I suppose!
Stacey, thanks so much for sharing your story. It is the perfect example that chain restaurants aren’t always better at providing consistent service. It is deeply troubling that the manager defended his position, and corporate didn’t bother responding. It is my hope that all these restaurants will be forced to comply with strict standards when it comes to food safety and ingredient labeling. Education…and I am so happy to read Ming Tsai has introduced Ming’s Law in Massachusetts….as a chef and a patron he understands what so many of us face every day in trying, and I emphasize the word trying here, everyday. Locally owned restaurants are usually so much more thoughtful when it comes to ingredient checking, etc. because their repuation means everything, and the last thing they would want is a tragedy on their hands. I am so thankful to moms like yourself that took the time and effort to contact the corporate offices to complain. Over time, one would think they would get it. Keep me posted if you hear anything back from them!
Jessica, that totally breaks my heart too. I have been in that postition many, many times, as well as so many of you. It is the one of the hardest parts, excluding your child from seemingly normal activities. Thanks so much for writing and sharing your story!
You know, I am sitting here crying. My 15 mo old has shown signs of allergies for several months. I’ve taken him off dairy, eggs, and peanuts but only got blood work done last week to confirm our suspicions since we’re still dealing with a lot of abdominal pain, hives, lost sleep, and screaming. So far his gluten, eggs, and peanut tests came back positive and we’re waiting on the results of the rest. I’m having a hard time grappling w/ the complete lifestyle makeover for us right now (even though I do 95% of our cooking at home). Harder still are the many times I have to say, “No, Liam, you can’t have that” and realizing that this will be his way of life. I found your blog in the Family Fun magazine and feel so grateful (!) to see excellent recipes. One of the difficult things in something that is so new like this is finding the right substitutes. You have made that part of my life so much easier! Thank you so much.
Hello Michelle,
My son is 15 months old as well and I found out last month that he has peanut and egg allergies. He had severe eczema from early infancy- it’s nearly gone now that we have cut out all of the allergens. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I understand how you feel- I too am grappling with all of the concerns and life-style changes that accompany having a child with food allergies. I just found this site tonight and I love it! I wish you and everyone else out there success with cooking amazing food for our sweet children. Rene
Yes, we all feel frustrated for our allergic children. We all feel anger and exasperation at those who do not take it seriously, who do not live with the lifestyle changes and fears day to day, and with those who are careless about food allergy requests. However, I think it is VERY important to teach our kids that it’s just a part of life! Diabetic children and families have very strict diets and huge lifestyle changes. It’s not much different! Parents of newly-diagnosed food-allergic children: PLEASE resist the temptation to pity your children and feel the need to “make up for it”. Sacrifice is not a bad thing! Rather, adopt a healthy coping attitude, and your child will learn to take it all in stride instead of adopting the poor me syndrome. As we age, many of us have to make lifestyle and dietary changes. It’s a bummer when a young child has to face such grave concerns, but it does NOT detract from enjoying life unless we TEACH that to our children. Kids are teased throughout childhood for wearing glasses, clothing styles, physical attributes, and yes, food allergies. It’s no different than any other short or long term ailment kids suffer throughout childhood. However, we are fortunate for the advocacy and research that has blossomed in recent years. We are fortunate for technology to find and share ideas, concerns, information, and recipes so readily. We should count each frustrating situation with the uneducated or unconcerned as a welcome opportunity to teach awareness and consideration. You can use the change food allergies bring to your family as fuel to spread feelings of fear and victimization, or as fodder to promote compassion, education, healthy coping skills, and a positive outlook on life in an increasingly complicated world. Food allergies has helped my food- allergic daughter AND my non-allergic son to face and conquer frustration, to be more thoughtful, responsible, mature, and understanding of others’ problems!
My 6yr old daughter has had food allergies since she was a baby. Now all of the sudden she is afraid to eat anything that isn’t from our home… it is a good thing that she is so aware but she will not even eat things she has always eaten… It is very stressful and very trying.. Has anyone experienced this problem.. I don’t know what to do….
Thanks for your comment Sofia. My 7 year old son went through a similar phase as he expanded his horizons…school, eating in a lunchroom, playdates, sports etc. I think our food allergic children are err on the side of caution anyway, and it’s great they are so aware. With John, I just tried to be as upbeat and positive as possible, tried to not sound too alarmist and give space when needed. I tried to educate him about reading labels, how to give himself a shot if needed, and to realize that help is always near. It helped to ease his fears and over time, he became more confident. Good luck and I hope this helps!!
oh how I wish I enjoyed being a food allergy mama … your last comment ‘i am just so proud to be a food allergy mama’ puts me to shame – oh how I often curse the fact that we can’t have cheesy meals, or anything creamy, that I can’t have a simple quiche, or that I can’t just get slack and whip any old thing together … but I am looking forward to trying your baking recipes and heads up to a better attitude I promise … some days tho *sigh* … thankyou for your blog and your posts – I really appreciate them …