As a mother of a child with severe food allergies, there are tough days when we have to advocate for our kids through meetings at school, tell them what they can’t have and can’t do, and then there are even tougher days when we have had to witness a potentially life-threatening allergic reaction. But as a mother of four children who have had developmental delays since their preschool years, I’ve also had many other types of tough days, filled with therapies, difficult play dates and parties, long IEP meetings, 504 Plan meetings, and then even more meetings with teachers and aides to ensure those documents are being enforced at school. But the hardest part of these issues is when your child comes home from school to say they felt different because of a harsh comment made about them.
Which is exactly what happened earlier this week when my 9-year-old daughter told me she overheard a group of kids make fun of her because she has to take her state standardized tests in a different room. “That’s where all the dumb kids go to test” is what she heard as she left. It crushed her spirit and broke my heart. It isn’t the first time my kids have had to endure rude comments from other kids, whether it was about making fun of John because he can’t have pizza and cake at a party, or when he was teased last summer at camp for his stuttering, or even when John sat at a separate table at camp because of his allergies. But when my daughter told about the “dumb” comment, it infuriated me for many reasons.
The biggest reason is obviously their words made my otherwise bright and sweet girl feel like she was stupid and different. As someone with visual processing difficulties, she simply requires certain accommodations in the classroom to help her succeed. For the record, she is a pretty smart cookie, and takes advanced writing classes at a local university. So I would hardly call her dumb. I had to fight very hard to get her those accommodations through a 504 Plan, because once she tested out of special education in first grade and lost her IEP, it was nearly impossible to get any additional support or help for her learning difficulties. So to hear my daughter beg me to get rid of her 504 Plan made me feel frustrated and defeated.
Every year around this time I have meetings at my children’s schools to discuss their progress, limitations and to draft new educational goals per their IEP’s. In addition, it is the time of year to start thinking about camps and how to handle them with food allergies. During “IEP Season” I often wonder what it is like to not have to address the special limitations our children face, whether it is development concerns, food allergies or other issues. What is it like to have a typical child?
But then I eventually remember that though all my children have some challenges, they also have incredible strengths, and to embrace both. If my kids didn’t have special needs or food allergies, maybe I wouldn’t have gone down the road to advocacy, or even bothered to write a cookbook for families with allergies. Maybe I would find something else to write about, or maybe not. I have no idea why my children face the issues they face, but I can honestly say I am very proud of my children and am honored to be their mother. They’ve worked harder because of these challenges and have continued to thrive. Will baby Michael face the same paths? I don’t know, but we’ll get through it if that is the case.
So how did I try to make Chloe feel better? Well, a trip to Baker’s Square for French Silk Pie and a long talk about why kids say stupid things did the trick. John was pretty jealous about the pie, so he made me promise to make him a dairy free version of the French Silk Wonder soon. I will someday soon, when I get a little more sleep!
What a wonderful, well written thoughtful post, Kelly! I am so very proud to be your sister and so proud to be an aunt to your awesome kids!
What a wonderful post. You’ve lifted my spirits
Thank you
I am sorry that your daughter had to hear such mean comments. It is very hard to be a kid. You are a great Mom and I wouldn’t mind a piece of the French Silk Pie too.
My son also has multiple food allergies which ultimately results in extreme eczema on his little eyes and arms. Being in 1st grade–and at school for the first time–he has cried many nights saying he is tired of being different than everyone and that no one else looks like he does with the eczema. WOW… That hurts a mom! I just try to reassure him that even though you can’t always see the “differences” on the outside (like in his case), everyone has issues and things they worry about themselves. Thank you so much for sharing your story!
I know exactly how you feel. I have also endured comments from people regarding my child’s allergies. I will never forget a mom who asked, “well, what can he eat?!” As if I were doing it on purpose to ruin her child’s birthday party. I also am a teacher and have come to the conclusion that some children are just plain mean and a lot of times it has to do with the close mindedness of the parent(s). I am so glad that you have written that cookbook because we use it weekly. You have saved our lives even though we might be a few pounds heavier for it
Thank you for all you do and the information that you pass on to us mothers of “un”normal children.
Wow, reading your post was like reading about my life, with IEP’s, 504′s, therapy appointments and of course the food allergies. My son who is in 1st grade handles his differences well so far, but my daughter who is entering kindergarten in September is already having her “why do I have to be different” moments which we are navigating the best we can. It is so hard sometimes and I have those “what if” moments too, but I love my kids and think it is their differences that make them who they are, and will make them stronger! I’m so glad I joined this website, it is nice to finally have somewhere to go and feel like someone understands how I feel! I wish I knew about it years ago.
It’s so funny this post came today! Just last night I had a talk with my son, and he was saying how LUCKY he is to have food allergies, because if he didn’t I never would have made him Texas sheet cake (from your book) or chocolate chip cookie bars (also from your book)!
So I have to thank you and your kids. Because your kids challenges are helping make my kids challenges just a little bit easier. Keep up the good work!
My children too have special needs. It is difficult at times to get our children’s needs accommodated at school. No child wants to feel different and my children often sacrafice their health to “fit in” and that hurts me. We need to be advocates for our children. Thank you Kelly for sharing your story and for letting us know that we are not alone.
Well written, I went through the same thing your daughter is going through now with 504, IEP, special classes where i had to leave my classmates to help with my learning disability and it is so hard and hurtful what others say especially at that age. My son has food allergies and I know he will run into the similar issues and it breaks my heart into pieces. But it’s good to know that others are out there dealing with the same problems, so we are not alone.
As a pediatric physcial therapist I appreciate parents like you who fight for their kids! Sometimes kids, people, parents, and teachers don’t understand what kind of world kids with special needs and allergies live in. It sounds like you are very loving and doing a great job teaching your kids important values and integrity. Keep up the good work! When you get more sleep and are done making the pie I would love to see a cookbook with lunches and dinners from you
In the mean time, enjoy your lovely family and keep fighting.
You’ve just spoken my fears aloud…my children are only 3 and 1 so we don’t have to deal much with how mean other kids can be yet (or adults for that matter) because they are still with me most of the time. I do know that even before my oldest developed food allergies, and was still a “typical child” watching another child take a toy from him or even once push him was just as difficult to deal with. To intervene or not? How to soothe the hurt and still teach indepence…it’s a long road ahead, but I’m so excited to learn and grow with my boys! Good luck! You’re doing a great job!
Kelly, I am in awe of what you are able to accomplish with the size of your family and dealing with the mental and emotional challenges 504′s and iep meetings bring. I have two children, only one with life threatening food allergy, and I sometimes feel like the world is on my shoulders trying to advocate for her and keep her world safe. I just think you are amazing.
I am always asking my daughter’s allergist about desensitization studies, and he kind of put me in my place recently with something he said. To paraphrase, “Look at her. She’s thriving. This is HER life. She will succeed at things, have hobbies, have friends. And, her true friends will adapt to what she needs to be safe without question.” I’m so sorry for what Chloe went through. Sounds like you handled it perfectly. Sending you both a hug.
I had the fear of sending my son to camp, due to the allergies and lack of respect from parents and other children. I have found a wonderful allergy camp, that I now can send my son to and feel comfortable. There are also children ther without allergies. There is a dietitian that contacts you personally to go over the menu and they have pediatric allergies on call. The children join in all the activities. There is even a child that comes all the way from Detroit for this camp. It is in Edmonton, Alberta Canada. I hope that you can find a camp for your children as wonderful as this.
Kelly, you are an amazing woman. Kudos to you for all you are doing for your children as well as the hope and inspiration you offer to other families who also have children with food allergies. The story about your daughter makes me think how much we could all use a lesson in valuing and respecting others for who they are and not by what they can or can’t do. I don’t have children but as an adult dealing with recently diagnosed food allergies I have certainly benefited and am exttremely grateful for your website and cookbook. After reading today’s blog I’m even more amazed that you’ve made the time (because you certainly don’t have it to spare) to write your cookbook and maintain your website. The words seem so inadequate but thank you, thank you, thank you. Your children are blessed to have a mom full of love, wisdom and strength.
This has been one of my fears since we were told of my daughters peanut allergy. Although we have had a wonderful experience so far with preschool I worry what elementary school will bring. My heart does break a little each time my daughter gets upset because she can’t have the same treats her friends do or have the cool princess cake from the grocery store but I remember that this will hopefully teach her strength and resilience and that she will be all the better for it.
I am the grandmother of a 4 year old boy who is allergic to nuts and to egg. Although there are many things he cannot eat, there are many things he can eat. We try to keep our pantry stocked with things he can have. (He lives across the street.) My husband is allergic to red dye. My grandson loves to hear about how Papa cannot have licorice or other things with red dye in them. It makes him feel better to know he isn’t the only one with allergies. He is always very kind and says “that’s okay Papa.” It has been a help to him to know he is not only within his own world.
Hey Kelly-
I totally feel for Chloe! When I was a kid, I was super slow @ the timed- multiplication/division problems. Everyone in the class did 40-50 problems in under a minute, and likewise I could never get the major timed prizes that the other kids got. Sure enough, my teachers in my honors classes later informed me that those that took longer sometimes did better on the longer problems (i.e., even if 4×4 took me longer in 1st grade, a longer calculus problem would still be notably easier for me to process because it’s more complex).
I remember just how proud you looked when I asked Chloe what she wanted to be when she grew up. “An author,” she said with a smile, and I knew that she shared her mother’s love in INFINITE ways. Kids can be cruel, but she’ll know that she’s a strong kid from your example. If you need someone to bake- let me know! I have senioritis, so anything to help me NOT do homework is appreciated
Kelly- I wish we could all take away all of our children’s suffering, fears, and insecurities. However, the reality is we cannot control life-our own or our children. We can only develop the character tools to help them navigate life. Sounds like you are raising strong, intelligent, caring children. Keep it up!! We are all following and learning as you walk this path.
Wow, I am blown away, and just about in tears with all this overwhelming support and sweet words of advice. I am so grateful to have all of you, because it makes me feel like I’m not the only one who has these tough days or situations. I can’t thank all of you enough, I truly can’t. I’m very, very lucky. xxoxo
Having faced both of these issues with my kids too (food allergies and special accomodations for the classroom), I can only applaud you for your thoughtful post. This is why I love this website. Thank you for posting this article – you are uplifting and empowering all of us with your words (not to mention keeping our tummies happy with your awesome recipes!) Thanks for making our lives better.
Wow, what a post. I’ve read your blog before, but in addition to allergies, I didn’t realize the other needs. My daughter has a peanut and treenut allergy. She too has developmental delays. We started with early intervention, then she was in a spec ed preschool class and was mainstreamed in Kindergarten. She’s now in frist grade. She also tested out of spec ed. We have a 504 plan now. I dreaded the IEP meetings. I had a mom (whose son was in the spec ed preschool), said she rather spend the day at the dentist and obgyn than go to the IEP meeting. Although, for the most part her school experience has been a positive one, it definitely wasn’t an easy road to take.
I have to say that because of all the help, therapies, I know my child in a very complete way. Because of all I’ve had to learn, I understand her so much more. I also appreciate the milestones a little more.
on google you can search for “welcome to holland”, it’s an essay written on having a special needs child.
Linda
I hate bullying and teasing (I was teased mercilessly for my tan skin and unusual name by a handful of fellow students every year… I also suffer from allergies and asthma and that added to my stress levels.)
Miraculously, I have an 11 year old now, who has a bit of allergy but nothing like me, knock on wood. She stands up for kids who get teased and can’t stand injustices. Must be my influence and constant complaining about close minded people or people who act mean..
She has befriended kids who are allergic to nuts/milk/etc at school and sits with them. I pack her lunch free of those allergens so she can sit with her friends. Not trying to brag here, but I’m proud she has a sweet heart and identifies with the underdog. Luckily, so far, she doesn’t have to restrict her diet, but she is willing to give up certain allergenic foods, just so she can keep good company with the food allergic students. Some days she sits with the “popular girls” and takes her pb and j sandwiches on those days. Luckily, kids w/ allergies and asthma don’t get teased at her school, because she’ll report that to me. She tells me everything, fortunately.
Another problem is coming up though. She reports to me that lots of girls skip lunch to get “skinny” These girls are already “skinny” and are a perfect weight….. That’s another topic but a bit alarming & disturbing to me.
Wow reading each and every post before writing mine brought tears to my eyes. My son is almost two and your post and every parent that commented on it all wrote about my worst fears with my son…kids calling him names, treating him different bc of his eczema, finding a safe camp, and even the parents that have asked me as well ‘well what CAN he eat then?’ like my kid is so weird and malnutritioned because of his allergies….i always come back with ‘he is so healthy, he can have everything your kid can have but its just made different but it is just as good and made from scratch!!! PLUS he isn’t obese…he is a healthy active 2 year old that has a great quality – HE ISN’T A PICKY EATER!’ And that is such a great thing to know that i can make a cooper friendly meal for all of us and not have to make something special or different for him, we all enjoy our family dinners together. Also it has been a blessing in disguise for all of us, my husband and i both eat so much healthier than we did before even tho we bake from your book at least once a week
cutting dairy out has been an unanswered prayer 
I truly believe that this is one of the things that makes us stronger and our children stronger. Thank you so much kelly for writing this post and thank you to all of the other parents for replying to it. It is a wonderful feeling to know that we are not alone in this journey and that we are not the only ones that have these fears. we are all here to help and lean on each other.
kelly – i love your site!! thank you so much for finding the time to do what you do for your children and for all of us and our children.
ashley
o and kelly – my husband is an active duty marine and they are always having bake sales (yes marines having bake sales! lol) to help raise money for the guys going away parties…whether they are being deployed or going to base. I always make allergy friendly cookies or brownies to send and they never know and mine are always the first to sale out!!!! they are usually your tofu brownies, choc chip cookies, and soy nut butter cookies…just thought you might want to know that you too get the credit! kudos to you
Kelly, I appreciate your insights and have been in your shoes. You’re doing all the right things to help your kids be strong. Since my husband heads a non-profit that helps people with disabilities of all kinds (both physical and developmental), I’ve learned that very few kids are “typical kids.”
Your kids are incredibly fortunate to have a loving, caring mother who stands up and advocates for them. Many kids who have few or little health or physical problems don’t have that.
I try to tell my daughter that “everybody has something” and you can’t always see what that something is. It sounds like you celebrate your children’s strengths as I do and that’s really the best we can do. You’re doing a great job and I’m sure your children are so proud of you!
Thanks so much Jenny…so incredibly kind of you to say. Thank you also to the rest of you…you have no idea how your comments help ME to not feel alone on the tough days. It’s so nice to be able to vent and to get your support. THANK YOU!!! I promise I’ll post more recipes when I can…things are so crazy right now! xoxo
I wanted to leave a clever comment, but instead I’m sitting here sobbing to the point of not being able to see the keyboard. Love and blessings, and a great big allergen free hug!!! (I need one too)
Kelly, thank you so much for such a wonderful post (and such yummy recipes). My son has severe food allergies and my daughter has some processing issues, as well. It’s nice to know we’re not alone. It’s hard not to feel sorry for yourself sometimes with all our different needs, but I believe our children are stronger for the challenges they face every day.